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iPhone Battery Replacement Policy

Posted July 23, 2007

Your new iPhone should have a long life as long as you treat it with care, and don’t dial excessively. Apple understands that there are some cases in which batteries need replacement. Used properly the battery should withstand more than 400 charge cycles, which is more than we can say about your uncle’s experience with Electro-Shock Therapy. This guide will help you determine whether you need a new battery or if you should just go out and buy a new phone, or if you should have kept the spare one you were planning to auction off if supplies ran out.

Testing The Battery
First make sure the battery is actually low. If you put the terminal to your tongue and it gives you a small, not altogether unpleasant shock, the battery is fine. If you do not notice a shock please lick the terminal several times. You might smell a nice earthy flavor, reminiscent of slowly sautéed mushrooms. That is your burning tongue.

If you don’t know how to access the secret battery compartment, simply smash your iPhone with a hammer. Warning: Backup your phone's data first! Once you commit to this step it is irreversible – there is no 'undo' button on your hammer, unless it is an iHammer (sold separately).

Also note: there is no secret compartment. We hope to offer one with the next generation iPhone.

Some users have opted for the six million dollar atomic battery. There is a small fission device inside your phone providing a lifetime of iPhone entertainment and minimal radiation poisoning. If this battery has run down it is because of a smallish reactor leak. Please dial 911.

Replacement Policy
Please ship your iPhone to Apple as soon as possible. Our engineers will place your phone in a large room for weeks and forget about it, except when they joke about people who buy six hundred dollar phones. They will replace the battery with all due speed, especially if you are measuring by a geological, rather than biological time scale.

For an additional $80 you may participate in the battery replacement program. The program will send you a replacement phone until our engineers run out of real work to do and replace your battery. Although the cost is steep, remember that our engineers are generally dissatisfied with their lives, and hearing them laugh is itself priceless.

Once we've returned your iPhone we ask that you return the replacement phone ($100 restocking fee). Please leave all your personal data intact, as our engineers will delete it as soon as they are convinced that you do not have Paris Hilton's phone number or jail porn.

Energy Saving Tips
The following tips may prolong the life of your iPhone:

  • You talk too much. We all know that. Put down the phone for a second and give your Olympic medaling mouth a rest, chatterbox.
  • Listening to long progressive rock songs wastes energy. Try punk music instead.
  • You're rotating the screen too often just to impress people.
  • Stop loading high-resolution photos of your children. They take much longer to load, and are your children so cute they need the full 2 MB file size to show them off to random strangers? People will tell you your children are cute, even with a 56K JPG. And they're lying: your kids aren't cute.



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