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Storyboarding Bin Laden

Posted September 24, 2007

Al Qada hints at an upcoming Bin Laden video that is mysteriously stalled in pre-production.

The scene is a Hollywood conference room. Director Michael Moore, producer Jane Fonda, and executive producer Rob Reiner wait impatiently and glare at Moqtada Simkowitz, Osama's agent

Moore You said he was going to make it to this meeting.

Moqtada You should give him time. The traffic here is terrible.

Moore Tell me about it. It's the focus of my next documentary.

Fonda Did he not follow my directions? The Santa Monica freeway should have been a snap.

Reiner I'm going to start calling him Been Late'in.

Moqtada Osama did not invent this traffic problem. this is not a traffic problem of Islam. This is a traffic problem of the decadent West. The Hooters billboards slows everyone down.

Moore looks at his script.

Moore We start in the cave. A closeup on Osama, and then he launches into taunting the United States for being crippled and weak. Haven't we done the cave?

Fonda I like the cave. It's Platonic.

Reiner I'm meeting with Sean Penn and George Soros later. He intimated financial backing. We're at least looking at a two-story cave.

Fonda It should have a coffee shop.

Moore Why?

Fonda These videos always look so gritty. I like gritty, but a guy staring at the camera mumbling in what, Afghan?

Moqtada Arabic.

Fonda Fine. But we have to change around the set. He's in the cave, then we cut to the coffee shop. Convivial atmosphere. A Sheryl Crow song in the background.

Moore Man on the run must have coffee. Afghans drink coffee?

Reiner Dude he's not Mormon.

Fonda Everyone drinks coffee.

Fonda looks longingly a the unopened bottle of spring water at her side.

Reiner Osama mumbles. I hate to bring it up.

Moqtada It's not mumbling. It's Arabic.

Reiner I don't care if its Yiddish, the man does not enunciate. We need somebody to do the voice work. What about Wallace Shawn?

Moqtada He'd be great.

Moore I don't see it. The guy plays a dinosaur in Toy Story then you want him to be a religious leader?

Fonda We shouldn't oversell the religious part. Everybody knows he's religious. You could have a Mel Gibson problem.

Moqtada This is his video. Other studios are interested. I might just tell him to "Move On".

Fonda I know. But look at the script. Vague threats against Americans. Terror terror terror. That might play well in Cannes --

Moore It's box office poison.

Reiner Has Osama considered a love interest?

Moqtada We were eying Cameron Diaz.

Fonda No go.

Moore She'd be perfect. She drives a Prius.

Reiner She has a no burqa clause in her contract. Non-negotiable.

Fonda Another thing we don't want to do this on one location. If we film in Afghanistan there's no way to recoup costs. Security. Airfare.

Moqtada There are nice caves in southern France.

Moore I'm a little concerned about the message the cave sends. "Bin Laden's still hiding." Nothing urgent. That's like me making a video about how much I hate America.

Reiner How about Osama as a renegade cop?

Moore Fighting a system that's keeping him down.

Fonda looks at the printout of an email in her hand.

Fonda He has to talk about global warming.

Fonda eats a small piece of the email printout.

Moqtada Why?

Moore Word from Big Al.

Fonda I've been looking at head shots. Did Osama cut his beard?

Moqtada Not only that. He dyed it. No more gray.

Moore Fucking Primadonna.

Fonda Dyed hair screams fake. Gray is about authenticity.

Moqtada In the Muslim world,

Moore This video isn't for the Muslim world.

Reiner Easy Mike. We'll re-color it post-production.

Reiner produces a twelve piece bucket of KFC and swallows entire thing. Moore looks wounded until Reiner makes reparations by pulling a second bucket from his briefcase for Moore.

Moqtada The beard has to be black.

Reiner Why?

Moqtada The Happy Meal Toy.

Moore I can live with that.

Reiner Osama Blackbeard!

Fonda That's it. We move the setting from a cave to a pirate ship. I'm calling Disney.

Moqtada Praise Allah.

 

 

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