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Filed Under Politics

Presidential Smackdown: Action Hero Debate

Posted February 12, 2008

According to both personal endorsements and campaign finance filings, several Action Stars have lined up to support various presidential candidates. In addition to Chuck Norris endorsing Mike Huckabee, weíve heard from wrestler Hulk Hogan (Barack Obama),warrior princess Lucy Lawless (Hillary Clinton), and Sylvester (Rambo) Stallone (John McCain). Weíve invited the four action stars to debate on behalf of their candidates.

Hulk Hogan
Iíd like to open it up by saying weíre psyched and ready for action. Weíre going to go there and bodyslam the opposition. Iím looking at you, Stallone. Whatcha gonna do when Hulkomania and Obamamania run wild on you?

Lucy Lawless
First of all, Iíll be helping find health insurance for all those people Obamaís plan wonít cover.

Chuck Norris
Isnít it true, Lucy Lawless, that the only thing you bring to Hillary Clinton is the lesbian vote? Like she needs any help with that?

Lucy Lawless
Iím going to turn that question back on you, Mr. Norris, and ask you the flavor of the microphone I just shoved in your mouth.

Chuck Norris
Mpmhmphpm.

Hulk Hogan
Well let me tell you something brother. Lucy Lawless isnít gonna win with those dirty tricks. And when it comes time for the convention, you wonít be able to stop the Hulkmania. Whatcha gunna do when Hulkamania and my 24" pythons run wild on you?!?!?!!?"

Sylvester Stallone
Iím going to cut in here. John McCain and I have a lot in common. He was tortured for five years in Vietnam, and Iíve played a deranged psychopath whoís come back from Vietnam seeking revenge. In 2000, John McCain was fighting for the Presidency. This time, heís fighting for his life.

Hulk Hogan
The thing about Obama: he speaks for all Americans: yellow, white, black, and orange.

Lawless
Just because youíve overdosed on tanning lotion doesnít make you an Orange-American.

Stallone
And just because you fit into a leather armored bra doesnít make you an action hero.

Lawless
Oh yeah? (ululating) Iím going to show you boys what 35 years of experience really means (Lawless jumps from the podium, then cracks Hulk Hoganís skull against Chuck Norris. The two pass out. Then she squares off against Stallone.)

Stallone
Make my day.

Lawless
That isnít even your catch phrase! (Lawless winds up her microphone like a lasso and traps Stallone)

Stallone
Oh, my prostate hurts!

Lawless
(Crushes Stallone's skull with an extra sharp stilleto)
My name is Lucy Lawless and I approve of this attack ad.

 

 

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