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Vatican Discovers New Ways to Send You To Hell

Posted March 11, 2008

Vatican City, Vatican

The Vatican has announced a new list of sins - venial, mortal, and others -- guaranteeing the flow of souls to Hell for some time in the future. The sins listed by the Holy See include pollution, drug abuse, and tailgating, plus entire new categories for the technologically-savvy 21st century.

Catholic researchers funded by the Vatican have long worried that there weren't enough ways to sin in the world. "For long we've thought of sin as a non-renewable resource. There are only Ten Commandments, then the mortal, and venial sins," said noted sinologist Father Carlos Verguenza. "Since most people behave most of the time, we realized it was time that we create new transgressions. We had to remind our flock that feeling guilty feels good."

New Types of Sins
In addition to venial and mortal sins, the Vatican has announced a new category, "Activities that aren't necessarily sins but I'd like to send you to Hell for if you don't stop right now", which include:

  • texting while your parents are talking
  • not using your turn signal
  • leaning so far back in your seat on the plane that I can't use my laptop.

Other, lesser transgressions have been ruled as non-sins, such as the ever-popular "picking your nose in public", and "I had a rapid, uncomfortable fantasy about my coworker when she bent over and I noticed she was wearing a thong."

Certain vague categories, such as "social injustice", might also punch your ticket to the Hot Seat. An example of social injustice include cutting line at Starbucks, or why your friends all seem to meet celebrities but you never do.

Criminals the world over waited with bated breath at the sin announcement, hoping that some of the more traditional bread-and-butter sins would be taken off the list, but they have been disappointed, as stealing, murdering, and coveting still rank high on the list.

The supreme lord Lucifer, prince of darkness, was delighted with the discovery. "The more the merrier," he laughed, then belched sulfur, and set the press release on fire.

 

 

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