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Iraqi Army Replicates US, British Failures in Basra

Posted April 7, 2008

The Iraqi Army’s stunning defeat last week at the hands of Moqtada Al Sadr’s Shiite militia proves that they have come a long way in defending themselves from threats just as well as the American military. With continued debacles, and a keen effort to almost hold back disaster, the Iraqis may pave a way to inherit the quagmire themselves, allowing American troops to return home.


Ebullient troops celebrate near victory

Just before the conflict, which was caused by a broken cease-fire, the US military announced that this would demonstrate how the US policy was working, that the Iraqis must “fall down so American troops can stand down.”

“Basra was a turning point in the war,” said American General Juan Solo. “It was at best a stalemate, but this time, it wasn’t an American or British stalemate. It was all Iraqi.”

US Ambassador Ryan “Betty” Crocker was equally impressed. “Refusal to fight by Iraqi troops was at an all time low during this incursion. The Iraqis seemed almost willing to fight to defend their country.”

Decisions to rush in and out of battle were reached after Iraqi generals consulted with a magic eight-ball. Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki was given credit for the barely-averted disaster, after he begged for a renewed cease-fire. He cited Israel’s disastrous 2006 attack on Lebanon as his model. He also concluded that the conflict was an application of the Howell Doctrine, named after long-marooned billionaire Thurston Howell III. The doctrine states, “You can use overwhelming force and resources, and you still can’t get off Gilligan’s Island.”

The Iraqi Army has been just as successful in not wiping out insurgents, in not protecting valuable infrastructure like oil pipelines, and not protecting the Green Zone.

The Iraqi army retreat gave new ammunition to the American anti-war movement. Democratic lawmakers suggested that they would use any new information about Iraq’s dismal performance to bring about change in the war, going as far as sending out strongly-worded fundraising appeals to large donors.

This near-victory is just a step in the withdrawal proccess, continued General Solo. “As soon as the Iraqi Army can replicate their failures in Basra in the rest of Iraq, by themselves, with no external help, we can bring American forces home.”

 

 

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