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Osama Scolds Dunkin For Rachel Ray

Posted May 28, 2008

Confidential missive To The Dunkin' Donuts Board,

Even though I realize owning a satellite dish exposes me to the most unsavory images, I normally just watch television without thinking about what I see. It helps me unwind. But I cannot believe you idiots allowed Rachel Ray to wear the kaffiyeh in your most recent ad. Although I must hate her for her skimpy dress and decadent ways, I admit her meatloaf is delicious – I can make it in my cave, and it will delight even those of my followers with the most strict dietary needs. You wouldn't imagine how picky jihadis could be.

But you have let the world see what I have so desperately tried to hide: the link between Al Queda and Dunkin Donuts. Very few people even know that "queda" is Arabic for "jelly roll", but now you've revealed our true purpose: to take over the West with your delicious treats. Although our attempt to take over America with hazardous glow-sticks was intercepted, we were able to operate without notice until sharp American journalists unmasked the subtlety. Rachel Ray in Kaffiyeh = Dunkin Donuts + Global Jihad.

Given your epic blunder, I see no further reason to keep the Dunkin/Al Queda link a secret. The World will know the sugary wrath of Allah! Please make the following changes to roll out our strategy:

Your new slogan will be "America Runs On Sharia (but also on Dunkin')".

Also, some of the Donut titles should be changed to reflect our takeover plans:

  • The Cruller will become the Green Crescent
  • Boston Crème shall be Baghdad Crème
  • The Chocolate Glaze will be named Allah's Scimitar
And perhaps we shall market the Baker's Dozen as the 72 Donuts of Paradise


ps. In your next delivery please drop 60 cases of Baghdad Crème donuts.
pps. We are running out of coffee too.



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