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Obama Campaign Vets Summer Vacation Plans

Posted June 17, 2008

*Editor's Note: Happy Watergate!*

To prepare for what might be the most important decision before the Democratic Convention in August, Senator Barack Obama has assembled a vetting team to decide where the presumptive nominee should attend summer vacation with his family. Several important factors weigh in on this decision, and it will be taken cautiously, because any vacationing gaffe might be fatal to the campaign, unlike minor decisions, such as nuances of health care reform or vice presidential selection.

Senator Obama clearly cannot leave the country, as vacationing anywhere else might whiff of anti-American sentiment. Should he be forced to leave the country, it should be to nowhere in Europe, for obvious reasons, and nowhere tropical since the tropics convey a sense of relaxation, privilege and overall "sissyness". His best bet is somewhere war torn with harsh weather, although his security detail may exclude vacations in Kandahar.

Therefore, since Obama should vacation in one of the 48 states – Hawaii is out of the question because it's both too tropical and liberal, and in Alaska he might be mauled by polar bears – his choice of state is a delicate political question. Since he's from the Midwest, it's partly a question of balance and whether should he choose a swing state, or pick a small state for geographic balance to his ticket.

Iowa would be a great choice, since it was where he won the nation's first caucus in January. However, it's currently under water. Ohio would be a good choice because of its number of electoral votes, but he may be accused of pandering. Michigan has been whispered in the campaign's inner circle, since the voters there are still smarting from their delegate loss at the convention, but should he decide to vacation there, he must stay out of the Great Lakes, since any travel across boundary waters to Canada would be seen as traitorous.

To address the situation, Senator Obama's vetting committee has selected and vetted a group of veteran vacation vetters – one from each state – who might help with the nominee’s selection. This diverse group includes jet ski enthusiasts, motor home aficionados, backpackers and historical site oglers. Each of the 48 states has sent vacation lobbyists to pitch the glories of their panoramic views, classic eateries and massive corn palaces.

In addition to the cumbersome task of choosing an appropriate vacation destination, the vacation vetters will pick activities that seem appropriate for the coalition of voters Obama is courting, and will attempt to head off the John Kerry windsurfing disaster of 2004.

 

 

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