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Researchers claim: homework is lame

Posted June 2, 2005

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Two Pennsylvania researchers from the school of Hard Knocks have presented a stunning conclusion that will be embraced by students everywhere: homework is totally lame.

Drs. Blowoff and Shirk initially presented their groundbreaking work at the high school paper "Contrails", where it was later picked up by major media outlets. Says Dr. Blowoff: "We convened a team of our peers out behind the football field. Somebody had sparked one, and there was a consensus among the cohort that homework sucks. When I get home, I have to walk the dog, wash the pots and take out the garbage. Now that's enough homework."

Continues Dr. Shirk: "After the initial convocation, Dr. Blowoff and I embarked on a heinously grueling exercise of research, which, to our horror, turned out to be not too dissimilar from homework (This connection will be presented in the upcoming issue of High Times)."

He explains their methodology: "We drafted a survey, which was sent to a random sample of woodshop classes across the country. The responses were entered into a database by Dr. Blowoff's sister, who totally has a crush on me but I cannot consider dating because her clear homework-loving attitude would skew our results, and she ran a series of cross tabs. Our results are at a 95% confidence level, which aptly describes me any day when I'm cruising the mall."

Interjects Dr. Blowoff: "My sister is a totally freaky genius. Her results conclude what we long suspected of the many hassles of modern life that completely harsh my mellow, the gold medal must be awarded to domestic scholastic labors."

The President has lauded their work, and signaled his intent to appoint both scholars to top positions within the Department of Education.



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