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Filed Under Politics

Ralph Nader Wins Something!

Posted October 28, 2008

Aside from believing that the US is the Great Satan, what else does Ralph Nader have in common with Iran?
His recent attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
As the good people of Iran were thwarted in their attempt to construct the World's Longest Sandwich, Ralph Nader attempted Saturday to set the record for the most speeches given in a 24-hour period. To qualify he staged the so-called "Massachusetts Marathon" to give at least 15 speeches for a duration of 10 minutes each. Also required was the daunting attendance of at least 10 people at each stop, none of whom could be affiliated with the campaign.

As a Bostonian I could have attended the Marathon, but I stayed home, for fear I might have obtained the record for "fastest tearing out the eyeballs of a Presidential candidate," though I'm not sure Nader has the public support to fall in this category.

We're still waiting to see if the campaign reached its Guinness Record, but there are several records Nader could easily win:

  • Fastest transformation from liberal icon to terrible national joke.
  • Most compelling argument with Ali G explaining likelihood of monkey poop hitting the head of indigenous rain forest dwellers.
  • Bullshittingest explanation of how accepting campaign contributions from Republicans does not make you a spoiler for the Democrats.
There has been no reported outcome of Nader's attempt is because, like the 1500-meter-long Iranian ostrich/chicken sandwich, which was devoured by a hungry crowd before the length could be verified, Nader was eaten by voters still angry that his 2000 campaign gave America eight years of Bush.



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