Posted June 5, 2005
It's come to our attention that your subscription to Johnny! has expired. We're assuming this because you haven't returned Johnny!'s las ten phone calls, and it's only a keen guess, and not his unhealthy obsession with numbers, that keeps track of this.
Every day you go without another installment, think of what you're missing: a cute bartender who will often shave for you, a man who's not afraid to walk around the house naked, a friendly deipnosophist and an amateur movie critic, happy to review any movie you haven't seen, all in one.
All of us at Johnny! would like to know exactly what caused you to cancel your subscription. Was it last October's Go Sox issue, when Johnny! paraded around drunk and manic, peeing on stolen Yankees paraphernalia? Or was it the New Years weight loss special, when he honestly told you how you looked in that dress? Perhaps it was the controversial stance he took on whether making out with your best friend was cheating.
As a journal of ideas, Johnny! has hit a stumbling block. Readership is down, and without your support, Johnny! can no longer provide insightful travelogues from far-flung locales, or deliver detailed, easy-to-read reviews of the latest in hi-fi systems. The Free to be You and Me lifestyle, the feckless adventure that imbues each and every encounter comes from the support of people like you. A public media resource can only survive if you think it's worthwhile, or if Johnny! can get his unemployment extended.
Johnny! might not always be here. There are plenty of readers out there who are lining up to take a chance on this wonderful opportunity – readers who will enjoy Johnny!'s carefree, unemployed style, his knack for eighties music trivia, his nearly restored TransAm, and the way he embodies the needs, wants, fears and hopes of one twenty-first century man.
You won't regret if you re-up your subscription. If not for yourself, Johnny! makes a fabulous gift, perhaps to one of your attractive single friends. Or has he met them all, in which case, no thanks.
New installments of Johnny! will come to your door promptly, not at three in the morning when he needs change for a seven-layer burrito, but promptly when you ask him to show up. Johnny! will put you in the driver's seat, and never complain about missed parking spots. An exciting new year of Johnny! may include camping, Merchant Ivory films, interior design, furniture rearrangement, sobriety, and home cooking.
Order today, before it's too late. If you act now, your first arrival of Johnny! will include a free iPod, the one he borrowed from you last spring and claimed was broken, if you can front the money to get it out of hock. Alternatively, Johnny! will come by later with some grass and massage oil. You won't get that from National Geographic.
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard