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Filed Under Politics

Democrats Develop New Strategies to Defeat Selves

Posted June 13, 2005

As various Democrats pilloried Howard Dean for recent anti-Republican comments, the party has solidified its pledge to attain long-term losses. "We're proud that the election of 2004 has not tarnished our trademark divisiveness and bickering. It seems that Chairman Dean thought he was elected to unify the party, and lead us to victory," chuckled conservative fund raising lightning rod Ted Kennedy on Meet the Press. "He doesn't realize that we're after permanent minority status. The election was close, and nearly healed our best fractures. The GOP spent some forty years becoming the majority, and we're in it for the long haul if we wish to cement our losses."

Senator Hillary Clinton agreed. "It's been hard work to squander all the goodwill after November 2004. But we feel that our various constituencies will be at each others' throats well before the 2006 midterm elections." The two senators then argued viciously about the perfect Paul Simon tune for Hamptons' barbecues.

Chairman Dean offered his predictable disagreement. "I realize that a Democratic victory is as likely as Ole Yeller winning the Preakness," he said in a condescending tone he has honed to alienate the very Southern voters he's attempting to court, "but I do believe that in reaching for victory, we may well ensure defeat.

"But Senator Kennedy is an idiot if he thinks that my populist, firebrand style and fund raising skill is what brought me to the chairmanship of the Democratic Party. We can't rely on highly paid, out of touch consultants to lose all of our elections for us. And that's where I come in. They elected me for the Dean Scream."

Aside from Dean's controversial position, other important strategies are being tested by focus groups. They include shoring up the base in New England, mobilizing the youth vote, coopting popular Republican issues, and the quixotic effort to retire the Electoral College.

As promised, infighting has broken out among the left wing, the right wing, the Democratic wing, and the Wings wing of the party. Liberals and Green Dems have entered into a promising squabble over whether the used Volvo or BMW better connotes the principles of suburban socialism. The DIVAs (Disgruntled Independent Voter Alliance) have promised to jump ship as soon as a promising, independent, charismatic loser appears on the horizon. And best of all, we have seen early rifts between the DLC(Democratic Leadership Counsel) and adored R&B group TLC over the censorship of Sistah Soljah.



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