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7 Practical Ways To Cheat Death At the Hands of your Enemies

Posted March 12, 2009

1 comment posted. Read it now.

(at left, invisible pitbull)

1. Rely on the incompetence of his crew
Your enemy will likely hire a gang with sub-par talents. The labor pool for henchmen is of notoriously poor quality, as people with any drive or talent quickly move up the crime ladder. If the henchmen were supposed to tie you up, they were likely to use a slipknot instead of a square knot. They will argue about whether the vat of boiling oil they were planning on putting you in is hot enough, and there will be a long discussion of how to convert Fahrenheit to Celsius as you make your hasty egress. Plus, and this is a dirty little secret, Your Enemies frequently hire illegal immigrants, who as often as not do not have the best grasp of the English language.

2. Make sure that when you let them tie you up after you’ve been knocked unconscious you end up in a location close to many sharp objects on the floor (but not so close you suffer injury).
This is easier if Your Enemy has you in an unused warehouse, or in the back part of her lair which she hasn’t cleaned out in months because she’s been too busy planning this current crime spree and she isn’t about to hire a cleaning person because of the obvious security risks and the henchmen are really pretty messy. Lots of objects are sharp: broken glass, knives, video game blister packs, old soda cans that you shred with your teeth. Perhaps you have a false tooth that’s concealing a small dagger which you can flick out of your mouth with your super strong tongue. That would be thinking ahead. Warning: don’t mistakenly crush the false tooth containing the cyanide, unless you’ve also got a false tooth containing cyanide antidote right next to it.

  1. Hope for an act of god(s)
    Gods are notoriously fickle egotists, they party too much, but they can really be helpful in a bad situation, so much so that there is a phrase, Deus ex machina, which is Greek or Latin for “A writer using a god to get out of a jam because the deadline was approaching and he either had to write something then and there or would miss the 4:15 union mandated smoke break. If you are a character in a Neil Gaiman book you’ll have a large likelihood of success here.
  2. Put your faith in the enemy’s sidekick/love interest who feels a moral conflict about your imminent death after you’ve given her the “sweet eye.”
    Though most criminal masterminds have a difficult time finding and retaining good henchmen they are frequently beset by a love interest who shows just a shade more compassion than they ought. Hang out in the dens of seedy singles bars where these ladies congregate, often in storefronts with black painted glass and the telltale name of “Sweeties” or “Mirage” and you’ll find your lady. If you create a rapport with the woman and/or French kiss her you’re 95% more likely to survive a later encounter should her new evil boyfriend, the type of guy who constantly belittles her and has no respect for her ideas and things she is too soft, plus berates her for acting like she’s on the rag all the time, attack you at some later date.
  3. Believe in the power of love
    That never works. Unless by “love” you mean the 12-gauge shotgun you keep taped to your leg for these type of circumstances. Or is the secret kill command for your invisible pitbull.
  4. Leave your destiny in the hands of your sidekick, who your enemy has somehow completely forgotten
    Sidekicks usually spend their most productive time answering fan mail and getting your dry cleaning, but occasionally they will save your ass. It is best, if the pair of you are captured, to pretend you have no idea who your sidekick is and why she was with you. She will later feel upset that you ignored her but at the same time validated because she rescued you, and this is why so many sidekicks leave the profession and apply their mental instability to become postal workers.
  5. Display the unique application of an under appreciated habit/talent/hobby that your enemy doesn’t suspect
    Nobody knows that I have an at least C+ knowledge of chemistry. Your enemies will never know that you have a long standing talent for speed-crocheting. And let’s admit, it is kind of dorky, unless you’re trying to impress some of your mother’s, grandmother’s, or eccentric spinster aunt’s friends. Because of this ridiculous hobby Your Enemies will never ever expect a high velocity crocheting needle to the forehead so the element of surprise will never fail unless you insist on blogging about it the next day.If you find any specific and heroic use for the compulsive need to readjust your junk because of the constant shifting in your boxers, let me know.
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