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Filed Under Business

My Stalker In Telecom

Posted March 23, 2009

1 comment posted. Read it now.

I have a problem with a stalker. It's mostly my fault I've led the stalker on. Not in a way that I've worn slutty clothes, although I can attest that right now, as I'm typing away on my laptop on the couch, that my clothes are plenty slutty. Or at the very least dirty. The problem is that I've given this stalker money. Again and again. On a regular basis. And the stalker keeps coming back. No, it's not a relative.

My stalker is Verizon. Perhaps you've heard of it? Them? This thing. If you haven't, Verizon provides telecommunication services in North America. Things like television, phone and Internet. They also provide another service, which they do not normally advertise. This service is that THEY WILL CALL YOU AND SEND YOU LETTERS EACH AND EVERY WEEK ADVERTISING SERVICES YOU ALREADY USE. FROM THEM.

Like I said, this is my own fault. I send them money faithfully, because I am one of those people who likes the Internet.

Perhaps they are afraid I will leave them. Verizon, don't be insecure. Your stock is trading about $30/share, which makes you worth more than every American bank combined.

Maybe you're nervous because you were just sued by the state of New Jersey (haven't we all?), but you send me a bill every month, along with several printed sales solicitations, including the clever ones that you have to fold and peel open at the perforated lines and which are cleverly disguised to look like tax documents so I'll feel compelled to open them, so I take it you know I don't live in New Jersey.

You want something more out of our relationship, but I'm telling you, as I've said before, most recently by yelling at the sales rep who called for the five thousandth time, that I just want to be friends. There is no Stockholm Syndrome. Verizon, no matter how many glossy images of clear digital television you offer I will not fall in love with you.

But then I start to think that you really don't want a bigger relationship. I emailed you recently to tell you that I'll be moving soon. It's not a breakup, and I promise we'll still be friends, but I was wondering if you'll be there for me on the West Coast. This is what I would call a direct sales question: will you have FIOS at my new address. This is like me telling you after months of notes slipped under my locker that I will go see a movie with you. As long as we go with a group of friends.

Your answer was disappointing. First of all, it was a week and a half before you responded. Was Verizon playing hard to get? No, it was playing "pitiably moronic:"

I have received your email dated 3/13/09 regarding getting FiOS. I understand wanting FiOS. My name is Mike, and I will be happy to assist you. I apologize for the delay in my response, and I regret any inconvenience to you.
Your name is not Mike. You are generated by a machine. If anything, your name is
Our first priority is to make FiOS available in our wireline franchised serving areas (the areas Verizon provides local telephone service). We may also consider providing the service in areas adjacent to our franchise areas, but we don't have plans to do that now.
It has been my goal today to address and clarify your concerns related to FiOS service availability. I hope I have succeeded in meeting that goal.
Great. You've told me, in so many words, to RTFL(Read The Fucking Manual).

Now is the point to cut you off. When I ask a direct question you blow me off, even as you provide me with enough marketing collateral to wallpaper the bathroom. Economic times are tough all around. But there's no reason to run a business like a lovesick schoolboy.



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