Filed Under Life
Paul McCartney Accidentally Clubbed by Seal Hunter
Posted April 24, 2006
*No seals or entertainers were actually injured in the writing of this article*
In a tragic hunting accident, ex-Beatle Paul McCartney was clubbed by Canadian seal hunters when he visited their lands to protest the savage subsistence harvest of seal for meat, clothing, and equipment.
"We don't allow fox hunting on Crown Lands anymore," Mr. McCartney stated before his trip. "This is essentially the same thing."
Innocent animal claims to never have heard of Beatles.
A mostly content man, the billionaire knight's quality of life has been severely impacted by hunters killing an animal several thousand miles from his castle. Every season's hunt caused the musician the kind of sadness he felt in sharing songwriting credits with John Lennon. "Paul lived a vegetarian, cruelty-free life for almost thirty years," sniffed his publicist. "Is it so much to ask the hunters to respect his traditions?"
The hunters had no idea why Mr. McCartney was visiting their ancestral hunting grounds, and claim he became irate when they offered to sell him some pelts. In rage, the pop singer sprinted into a large group of cavorting seals, where his salt and pepper hair blended in with the animals' fur.
Hunter Joseph Stevens, who allegedly handed the final blow to McCartney, has never heard of the Beatles, and admits to being a fan of Linkin Park. "Tell you the truth, I thought he was a walrus."
It's hardly surprising that the hunters were confused. In modern society, it's hard to truly understand the depth of ignorance of a geographically isolated people who won't conform to the edicts of an international, multi-platinum pop star.
In related news, Mr. McCartney's jet killed some hundred harbor seal pups as it skidded across the runway in an attempt to take off. "There were so many, we couldn't avoid hitting them," said the pilot.
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard