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Filed Under Politics

How to Become an Iran Expert

Posted June 22, 2009

1 comment posted. Read it now.

Today's news consumers are under the impression that becoming an expert in Iran's subtle, complex political and religious background might take years of University study, learning Farsi or perhaps even traveling to the country, but becoming an expert on the Islamic Republic (as we Iran-watchers refer to it) is as easy as setting up a Twitter account.

You might not realize why you should become an instant Iran expert, but the reason is simple: once you know as much about Iran as say, Dr. Smarty McKnowItAll at Harvard's Kennedy School, you can begin to impress your friends with your grasp of foreign policy, appear on talk shows, post snarky anonymous blog comments or unofficially and informally advise the President of the United States.

Pretty much all you have to do to become an expert on Iran's culture, politics and religious history is start wearing green. Green, of course, is an important color to the Islamic Republic, because of longstanding reasons that Persian pundits like yourself know are obvious and pointless to mention here.

But all you have to do is wear green and the knowledge will soak in, almost as if it were given to you, as the Koran was given to Mohammad. Timesaving Tip: you don't actually have to read any of the Koran to develop an acute understanding of this Muslim nation. Try checking out The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, who was Lebanese. As you surely know that Lebanon's Hezbollah is closely tied to the Iranian government, so reading the Prophet is just as good.

An important thing to remember is to not allow your Iran-green osmosis begin while you are drinking beer, not only because this is haram in Islam. Haram is an Arabic word, the preferred language of the Sunni druids who rule Iran with an armored fist and weapons supplied by Israel.

Not only is alcohol forbidden in Iran, but drinking it while wearing a green shirt will make you an expert on Ireland, which will likely lead you down to the path of self- righteousness and expertise in Third World debt, AIDS and the struggles of the mothers and wives of "disappeared" sons and husbands during Argentina's Guerra Sucia. Lord knows we don't need anymore of those.



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