Filed Under Technology
NASA Blows Up Comet During Summer Sweeps
Posted July 4, 2005
A round of 'hazaas' was shared around the NASA Jet Explosion Lab (JEL), as the satellite, code-named Piledriver, after the professional wrestler, slammed into the Tempel 1 comet some 268 million miles from Earth. As NASA's ratings skyrocketed, the mission was deemed a success. Nothing remains of the allegedly peaceful comet.
It was no surprise that the comet slaughter was timed for both Independence Day, and the release of Spielberg's War of the Worlds. "Citizens were really shaken up by the thought of Martian Invasion. NASA decided it was time to teach the rest of the galaxy a lesson," said a Jet Explosion Lab spokesperson.
"Space is a terrifying place," commented General Smith Wesson, a senior official from the Defense Department. "Although this particular comet was no threat to Earth, we have to show them – the aliens, the advanced civilizations, the space bacteria, and whoever keeps stealing our satellites – that we mean business."
The Piledriver probe was made of a simple copper design, and sped at a speed of 6.3 miles per second. As it came close to the much larger comet, a prerecorded tape shouted "USA! USA!".
Tempel 2, the comet's wife, issued a statement condemning American belligerence. "The comet community considers this an act of war. You can run Earth,” said a tearful Mrs. Tempel, "but because of your elliptical orbit, you cannot hide."
Summer time is typically a ratings lull for the space agency, once known for such blockbusters as Apollo 13. Unable to produce any hits for the last few years, NASA has slid in the ratings game, faring worse than PBS's snorefest Colonial House. Showing an unusually keen understanding for America's appetite for destruction, the gamble of a holiday mission has paid off.
Emboldened by its new popularity, NASA plans to dedicate a significant portion of its increased budget to "blow shit up," according to the JEL communications director. "We were slightly disappointed with the magnitude of the explosion, as far as production values and watchability. During our next few detonations, we hope to surpass the Death Star explosion from Episode IV of Star Wars, which is still the gold standard." On an ambitious schedule, NASA plans to completely waste one of Jupiter's moons as early as 2008. When asked if there were any scientific purpose to the mission, NASA chief Mike Griffin replied "Who cares? It was fucking cool."
NASA head Mike Griffin laughs at comet
Other troubled federal agencies plan similar events to raise public awareness and increase funding. The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) plans a spectacular dam break to flood several small California towns, and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting will host a wet tee-shirt contest on Labor Day.
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard