Goldman Sachs Apologizes For Things and Stuff
Posted November 23, 2009
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Goldman Sachs Chairman, chief executive and former James Bond villain Lloyd Blankfein has issued an apology for his company's rapacious behavior.
"Certainly, our industry is responsible for things. We’re a leader in our industry, and we participated in things that were clearly wrong and we have reasons to regret and apologize for."
I too would like to say that I'm responsible for "things." I'm responsible for making sure that the glass is separated from the rest of the recycling. I'm responsible for my own belongings when I park my auto in some shady neighborhood so that I can patronize the dive bar there. I'm responsible for not crapping my own bed, something which I assure you I have not done in quite some time. Really! Why are you looking at me like that?
I understand where Goldman is coming from. The things they are responsible for, such as helping crap the leaky water bed that is the entire US economy, makes people feel a little agitated.
To that end the company has offered $500 million to help small businesses which have been affected by the implosion of the US economy. It's a nice gesture, since five hundred million sounds like a big number, though it's nowhere nears as big as the thirteen billion dollars of taxpayer-funded bailouts that were funneled directly from AIG to Goldman and authorized by former Goldman executive Hank Paulson who happened to be US Treasury Secretary at the time wait no there's no conspiracy look over there shiny shiny the new iPhone just came out it has a free app with a barrel fire that you can make yourself feel warm with when your heat gets turned off!
Goldman has also engaged an image consultant to find a more compassionate approach to shutting down orphanages and evicting grandmothers, but will steam forth with their mission of making shittons of money off your back.
All Day Coffee Challenge - Figure out which guy in the picture is the Bond villain - put your answer in the comments below.
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