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Technology Predictions 2010

Posted January 4, 2010

5 comments posted. Read them now.

You might not realize this but in addition to writing fiction and comedy I cover the technology beat, reviewing everything from hangover remedies, steel wallets and butt-shaped stereo speakers. Since I'm just as qualified to put numbers and rankings in front of sentences as the next blogging baboon, I'm proud to present my technology predictions for 2010. Oh also my birthday is the same as Nostradamus so they'll definitely come true. If you interpret them correctly.

Apple's eReader Will Revolutionize Publishing
You will buy Apple's rumored e-reader, not because you actually like books, but because the ghost of PT Barnum, who obviously works at the Apple Marketing Department told you to, even though it's at least 3x more expensive than every other digital reader. As a member of the Sucker Demographic you'll be proud to show off your eBook before anyone else has one.

The plus side is that all those unread books that are piling up around your home will be much easier to ignore in one convenient place.

Google Develops Search Technology to Find Your Missing Socks
But they won't release it because they've struck a secret deal with Big Tube the Hosiery industry.

Movies will Use 3-D as Newest Substitute for Plot, Story

I enjoyed Avatar. There were hiccups in the plot, the dialogue was clunky but did you see those special effects? The glow-in-the-dark jungle? Especially the sexy, saucy and gritty helicopter pilot's cleavage? It was like a black hole! Hollywood will fully embrace this 3-D reboot and put it into every film they'll even start to put 3-D into the classics. Seriously, can you imagine how fucking awesome My Dinner With Andre will be in 3-D?

Sadly, the only thing the reintroduced tech cannot provide is three-dimensional characters.

Google's Smart Phone Will Take World By Storm
Google's Nexus One will be released sometime this year. It has already caused global geekery to soil our USB-enabled underwear. The most critical feature for the phone will be a social networking application to discover people who are actually happy with their T-mobile service.

My Mouse will Start Working Reliably, Computer Viruses Will Be Exterminated and I won't Have to Reboot My Computer Anymore.
And the Cubs will take it all this year. Really.

Ubuntu Will Replace Apple and Windows 7 as Everyone's Favorite Operating System
I don't really believe this, but had to add it to increase my search engine rankings. Also, Boobies!

Air Transportation Will Be Safe
Because the TSA, which is changing their name to T&A, will make you strip down and fly naked. The rest of us will stay home or use the train.

 

 

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