Leaked Obama Job Plan calls to "Burn Down the Country and Collect the Insurance Money."
Posted September 8, 2011
Ahead of this afternoon's jobs speech, the White House has leaked several passages, including this surprising opener: "My fellow Americans, it's time to burn the country down and collect the insurance money."
The plan smacks of desperation to some, but the White House suggests that this is the last and best plan to get the country out of political gridlock, stalled job growth and an economy teetering on the edge of a second recession. It's currently being scored by the Congressional Budget Office, and will cost less than five dollars per household, just enough to buy a gallon of gas and some matches.
"The current Congress has no interest in a big infrastructure plan and has refused another stimulus," reads the text of the speech."Our schools, highways and bridges are crumbling, and there's graffiti all over the nation's For Sale sign."
"We burn everything down. Don't be obvious about it, America, because we won't get squat if the insurance company suspects arson. After the blaze is over, we collect on our nation's nine hundred quadrillion dollar insurance policy, and the entire country retires in some tax haven like The Seychelles. It will feel awkward for a little while, but America, a few years from now you'll be living anonymously on a beach selling sailboats made from beer cans and the rest of the world will have forgotten about us."
Anticipating Republican opposition, the speech suggests "arson worked for Darrel Issa."
In response to the leaked speech, a spokesperson from the Republican National Committee said, "No to Obama. Tax Cuts. No to Obama. Tax Cuts." It was later revealed that this spokesperson was in fact a stuffed plush speaking Barney toy that had gone on the fritz.
The speech later points to Texas, where Republican governor Rick Perry has fought the ever-expanding huge wildfires by means of tax cuts and less regulation. "The fire isn't going anywhere – it's time for the rest of America to take Texas' lead and burn down the house."
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard