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Arizona to Cover Up Grand Canyon's Unseemly Lady Parts

Posted May 14, 2012

1 comment posted. Read it now.

On a recent evening, after curling up with a mug of chamomile tea and Our Bodies, Ourselves, the state of Arizona gently leaned back against some comfortable pillows, spread its legs and put a mirror up to itself get in touch with its anatomy. And the state was horrified by what it saw: in its north end, a seemingly endless network of deep fissures with quivering rims.

"We were disgusted," said Republican Governor Jan Brewer. "The Grand Canyon looks like the most immodest part of the female anatomy." The state legislature, immediately proposed a law to completely cover up the canyon's shocking immodesty, as part of its continued quest to keep government small by over-regulating the reproductive rights of women, making them have lots and lots of babies, who in total will eventually outnumber the government.

"Children see the Grand Canyon all the time," said Brewer. "Even if they don't live nearby they can see photos on the internet. The children need to be protected, whatever the cost. The Grand Canyon is worse than a Georgia O'Keefe painting."

Several proposals have been made to address the canyon's obscene nature. Some lawmakers introduced a bill to fill the Grand Canyon with melted cheese and serve as the world's largest chip bowl, firming its status as a tourist destination, but the bill was unable to address issues of refrigeration. Populist sheriff Joe Arpaio suggested moving the Grand Canyon to the Mexican border and filling it with water to "drown wetbacks" but this was cost prohibitive.

The simplest solutions are to fill the Canyon up with concrete or cover it with a tasteful Native American print blanket, should they find one that is 277 miles long.

Drafting of final legislation has hit some stumbles, as lawmakers haven't quite figured out how to describe the state's overstated anatomy. "It's not a vulva," said one, "because that's a car." "And clitoris," said another, "is just a made-up thing from a Michael Moore movie."

As a compromise, GOP lawmakers proposed that the section of the canyon they are covering is the "disgusting thing that rhymes with angina."

 

 

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