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Official Congressional Tour of Baghdad

Posted December 19, 2005

Greetings good Congresspeople and Senators,

Welcome to your official tour of Iraq. My name is Dawud, but you can call me David, if that makes you more comfortable. Before I worked here in the Green Zone, I was in the insurgency. Sorry, I meant to say 'in surgery'. My English isn't perfect. If you have any questions about the war, feel free to pick up any one of our English language newspapers. The most useful stories are in these dailies, handpicked by Pentagon editors, and written by prestigious American journalists, like Stephen Glass and Jayson Blair.

You're here because the US military wants you to see firsthand exactly all the good things going on in Iraq. The tour itself is short, so to justify your expenses, we encourage you to attend our workshop, How Your Constituents Can Benefit From Iraqi Reconstruction.

Before we begin, please put on your rose-colored safety glasses. We want everyone protected in case of a sandstorm.

Our first stop is the model hospital. It has all the modern conveniences, and the latest techniques in plastic surgery, which is available to any US dignitaries like yourselves free of charge. You'll see the best of Iraqi medicine, unhampered by power outages or off-target missiles. Air conditioning is available in select rooms.

Reconstruction has provided great schools like this one. It has a crater-free soccer field, and a computer center. Right now, the school educates a diverse population, including the sons and daughters of relief organizations, diplomats, and private security firms. It is everyone's hope that an Iraqi child will make it off the waiting list and enroll.

Here we are at an Iraqi police station, which has been insurgent-free for almost five days. What was that? You want to know why that man is pointing a gun at us and yelling? He wanted to let you know how much he likes his new American weapons. We should go now.

Green Zone Realty is a 'booming business'. Deregulation, modeled by our American guests, helps fuel the new real estate market. More importantly, stray mortar fire shrinks housing supply and creates a competitive market.

Our last stop is the official Green Zone brothel. Here you can see the economic benefits for women that were not available before the war. There is a discount for lawmakers. Ask the Madame for your Iraq policy talking points.

Enjoy the rest of your stay. I'm sure you have a much better sense of how well the war is going than if you read liberal newspapers back home. It is strongly suggested that you remain in the Green Zone, not because of safety, but because of the unparalleled duty-free shopping that you'll find nowhere else in Iraq.



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