Filed Under Politics
Vice President 'Accidentally' Shoots Hunting 'Buddy'
Posted February 12, 2006
A man was hospitalized this weekend then taken in for questioning when he was 'accidentally' shot by Vice President Dick Cheney, who had been hunting quail at the time. "We're not sure who this 'friend' is, or why he foolishly jumped in front of the Vice President's firearm at the time of the shooting," said local sheriff Ty Bell, who responded to the scene. The injured party joins a growing list of those who have been mistakenly shot by Mr. Cheney, which includes former chief of staff Scooter Libby, Charlton Heston, his daughter Mary Cheney, Ahmed Chalabi, several hunting dogs and Kevin Federline.
Cheney's office stated that the Vice President was sorry that his so-called friend ruined the weekend, but was optimistic about his next hunt. "There will be no casualties. We will be greeted as liberators."
In a swift response, the administration slammed his hunting partner for his role in the shooting. "Any real 'friend' would stay the hell away from Dick Cheney with a loaded gun," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "We believe that the investigation will determine that the Vice President acted in self-defense." The Bush Administration has withheld all documents related to the 'accident'.
"The entire thing is suspicious," said a Secret Service officer. "The VPOTUS' whereabouts are unknown. How did this clown find him, much less get shot by him?" The suspect, whose status has officially been downgraded to 'acquaintance', will be sent to Egypt for further questioning.
The administration maintains that there's no substantive evidence that Mr. Cheney has ever seen this man before shooting him, although it's possible that both have attended large, impersonal fundraising dinners.
Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, a frequent hunting partner of the vice president, admits that he has almost been shot multiple times by Cheney. "He sees those small ducks, and his hands start to shake. I always wear Kevlar under my robes when hunting."
The National Rifle Association was quick to come to the vice president's defense. "It was a 'mistake'," said NRA chapter leader Adolph Skaggs. If Grand Marksman Dragon Lord Cheney had actually wanted to shoot this alleged friend, that man would be pushing up daisies." The executive concluded by saying that if you outlaw guns, then only maniacal Vice Presidents who suspend the Constitution during wartime will have guns.
Why quail hunting?
As every schoolchild knows, the Vice President needs to feast off the still-beating hearts of innocent creatures to maintain his health and youthful appearance. It is known that Mr. Cheney enjoys hunting the elusive Danforth Quayle, a shy, retiring former Vice President. So far the VP has had little luck. Mr. Cheney admits that larger game animals scare him.
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard