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Filed Under Politics

Government Marks War Anniversary With Free iPods

Posted March 20, 2006

The Government, Washington DC
As you walk down the street and see the ubiquitous white wires encircling necks like a bolo tie, you think everyone but you has an iPod. But with iPocracy, the newest government program, you can join all your friends with the patriotic convenience of a digital jukebox.

Signing up for the iPocracy program couldn't be easier: participants simply send in a copy of a letter of support for the Iraq War that they have sent to their lawmakers. (For anyone who doesn't know their representative, they can send a blank letter (zip code is required) to the Pentagon.

With support for the war at an all time low, and the President unable to convert those other than the hand-picked audiences at his speeches, or the soldiers at bases who have to fight anyway, the administration has taken a bold turn to win favor with American youth. “It is crucial that we win the battle for the hearts and minds of the American people,” said Defense Secretary Rumsfeld.

Anyone already owning an iPod is offered unlimited music downloads, or a subscription to Maxim.

Fiscal conservatives, ordinarily opposed to such profligate spending, have been offered clemency in the Jack Abramoff case if they keep their mouths shut.

iPods come with favorites like John Ashcroft's When Eagles Soar and a selection. New digital rights management software insures that the devices will not play any protest music.

Democrats have countered in the fight for America's youth, with a protest duet by Sting and Joan Baez, entitled War is Bad (Except in a Tough Election Year).

Early reports suggest that the policy works. “My friends and i all were against war,” said Oberlin College sophomore Dana Beagle. “But i got my iPod in the mail, and listened to a podcast about how the army found all these Weapons of Mass Destruction imported from iRan, and I started to think different.”

A similar experiment was attempted in Iraq, but with disastrous results. Iraqi students rioted across the war-torn nation after receiving their free mp3 players. It was discovered that the Cure song Killing An Arab was mistakenly included on the pre-programmed playlist, and the program was suspended.



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