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Filed Under Technology

Biofuels Report Card

Posted June 19, 2006

Biofuels are sweeping the nation, from Berkeley, California all the way to Oakland, California. There are so many to choose from: which are beneficial to the environment? Which will make your car smell like French fries? This All Day Coffee guide will tell you all you need to know.

Palm Oil
This fuel is produced by tropical countries, and it's cheap and plentiful. After the rainforest beef scare a few years ago put a damper on deforestation, it's good to know that an environmentally-sensitive fuel is now mowing down these pesky forests which teem with biodiversity and sequester carbon. But don't worry just look for the Free Trade, Shade Grown Organic Natural Wild Local Biodiesel label.
C-

Methane
Drive a car powered by methane and you will suffer the fart jokes of third graders for the rest of your life.
B

Algae(also known as 'pond scum')
This organism produces more lipids by biomass than anything else, so it's a natural option. Unfortunately, it's kind of slimy. If you use algae-based biofuel, make sure you only use blue algae, never green. Green algae will strip Superman of his powers.
A+

Corn
Corn oil will help save the habitat of Midwestern lawmakers. It uses fossil fuels to produce the pesticides to grow the corn that powers the corn farmers' lobby that elects the politicians who write the laws demanding corn oil fuel that props up the heavily subsidized farmers. On the plus side, you could install a popcorn-popper into your car and use the recycled oil as fuel.
D-

Hemp
This obscure crop grows like a weed, and if you live in California, Oregon, or twelve other states, you can take it for medical conditions such as Glaucoma and Laser Light shows. If you fuel your car with hemp, hippies will constantly tell you for the rest of your life that the original diesel engine was totally developed for hemp, dude, but the fascists in charge made it illegal because they were kowtowing to Big Oil, and by the way, did you know that George Washington grew hemp, and probably burned a fat one with Martha on the porch? Use of this biofuel will make you susceptible to newsletters from Woody Harrelson.
B+

Switchgrass
This scrubby, drought-resistant C4 plant was mentioned by President Bush in the 2006 State of the Union Address. It is not yet been verified by independent sources whether intelligence on this matter can be verified.
C

 

 

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