Filed Under Politics
Bin Laden Killed By Spinach
Posted September 23, 2006
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Terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden has been reported killed in eastern Pakistan. It was not the bullet of vengeful U.S. troops, but the E. Coli from tainted spinach that appears to have ended his life.
Sources close to the ensconced terrorist leader, such as the Pakistani military, claim that the spinach was purchased at a local Whole Foods in Peshawar. "News of the e. coli epidemic didn't reach Eastern Pakistan until after we finished the week's grocery shopping," said chief Al Qaeda shopper Saif al-Adel. Although there is an enormous risk in leaving our cave, even with our Pakistani military escort, Dr. Zwahiri was determined to get us fresh produce. There are only so many weeks you can live off of canned franks and beans. We had no idea what a risk it would be." The shopper and chef for the terrorist organization started weeping. "We definitely won't be shopping at Whole Foods again. Not only is its produce fatal – but it's expensive – we call it 'Whole Rupee'.
Since Bin Laden's death, spinach has been renamed 'Victory Green' by the United States, and awarded the Congressional Medal of Freedom. Although the US maintains that it will continue its ban on biological weapons, just like its ban on torture, the government has added tainted spinach to its arsenal in fighting the war on terror. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez wrote in a memo this morning that 'spinach should not be considered a weapon a priori, '. Congress immediately voted to ban weapons-grade leafy greens, and in a signing statement, the President indicated that he would follow the law except when he didn't.
It is believed that Bin Laden's death will give a huge boost to politicians in spinach-growing states. It is also a huge victory for worldwide industrial farming. Agriculture giant Monsanto has already begun testing genetically-modified spinach with E. Coli and other diseases.
Organic farmers around the world have touted the healthfulness of their product, which has no exposure to E. Coli. "If Bin Laden had been eating organic spinach, he'd be alive today," said Oregon farmer Isiah Fulton. "Wait, I'm not sure that came out right. Are you recording this?"
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard