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Filed Under Life

Help Wanted: Personal Assistant

Posted July 30, 2007

2 comments posted. Read them now.

For whatever reason I can't hold on to a personal assistant for very long. I'm writing the job description this time myself.

Your duties

  • Take the car keys away if Iíve had one or 12 too many. I might attack you. Donít let me, thereíll be another party to geo to and you wonít have time to redo my makeup if youíre bleeding. Oh forget it Iíll drive.
  • Break my fall when I faint.
  • Count calories.
  • Itís good if you can do your own stunts.

Your skills

  • Detail-oriented, like remembering what mile maker of which freeway did I crash the car into the guardrail and abandon
  • A good communicator who doesnít cry everytime I tell you youíre a fat whore.

I have a couple of quirks, and any assistant should be able to handle them.

  • I may chase after you in my car. You may be in your car or on foot. Shouldnít matter.
  • Iíve been known to throw things that cause Ďlacerationsí. If you ever played any sports like volleyball (competitively, I mean) you should remain unharmed.
  • I have occasional legal trouble. Can you lie under oath? To your mother? Would you swear to God that the 30 kilos of cocaine found in your car trunk was yours? Also must know quickest ways to flee the country.

To Apply
You canít be prettier than I am for obvious reasons. But I donít want to yell on the phone at some ugly person to hurry up with my coffee, so if you straddle that fine line between pretty and ugly, attach a photo. Like maybe you were cute but you have terrible scars all over your face?

Wait, donít send a photo, I canít spend all day looking at photos of ugly people. Put your picture up on Hot or Not and tell me how it ranks.

Itíd be great if you know how to change diapers. Not that Iím pregnant, and if you start a rumor like that I will have you killed. I just heard, well, a friend of mine, an Ďoldí friend of mine, sheís had a couple of kids and nobody can stop talking about it. Also if you could have the baby yourself that would be great.

There are many benefits for assisting me

  • Everyday feel like you're making a difference in the world
  • Free dresses from this season, only minor shreds I have a great way to get those fried chicken grease stains out (hint: moonshine).
  • A cellphone with that thing that sends email but really isnít email.



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