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Measuring Windows Vista’s Impact on the Superhero world

Posted April 20, 2008

[To celebrate the upcoming publication of Captain Freedom, A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves, I’ll be posting occasional items from the world of Superheroism -GXR]

Conventional reporters have covered the myriad failures of the initial release of Microsoft Vista, which has more bugs than the Watergate hotel during the primary season. Few have realized the crippling effects that this half-baked operating system has had on those mighty early adopters who protect us all, the superheroes, and their enemies.

Antivirus Software Causes Matter Disruption Ray to fail
Users Effected: Dr. Doom
Dr. Doom found that the operating system, using traditional antivirus software, was not compatible with his matter disruption ray. The weapon would start, fire a small burst, then shut down before disrupting any matter.
Possible solution: Although Microsoft strongly suggests maintaining anti-virus software, most Matter Disruption Rays can function without access to the internet. It is therefore recommended that the Matter Disruption Ray is disconnected from Dr. Doom’s local area network.

Restrictive DRM prohibits copying of MP3s, other entertainment media
Users Affected: Dr. Bruce Banner.
Hulk wanted to make mix tape to share with She-hulk. It taking 16 hours for “More than A Feeling” to download from laptop. Hulk angry!
Possible Solution: Hulk Smash!

VPN no longer works
Users Affected: Supervillains, villains, mobsters, scofflaws, jaywalkers.
VPN, or Villain Proliferation Network, is the most commonly used protocol for villain-to-villain communications, normally allowing users to communicate whether in their secret hideout, prison cells, or caves in Afghanistan.
Possible Solution: its users will have to revert to courier, secret decoder rings and falcons.

Mutant Detection System Software no longer cross-platform
Users effected: the X-Men
Professor Charles Xavier of the X-Men installed the operating system on his mutant detection system Cerebro, formerly capable of detecting any mutant throughout the world. Unfortunately, the new iteration of Cerebro only detects mutants who are Windows users.
Possible Solutions: Microsoft councils that this is not a problem, since Mac users are much more interested in design and art than in destroying the world.

Problem: driver incompatibility
Users effected: Iron Man
Iron Man upgraded to Vista mid-flight, and his navigation systems crashed after his helmet navigation driver failed to load. Either that or he was drunk. He can no longer get out of his armor.
Solution: Mr. Man will have to purchase a new Microsoft hardware key to get out of his armor. He should also refrain from tippling while saving the world.

Problem: Pirated software cannot be activated
Users effected: thieves everywhere
Due to configuration changes in Vista, stolen software found on the internet via chat rooms, BitTorrent, and LimeWire, can no longer be activated. Impacts have been felt from Thailand all the way to that corner card table at the top of the stairs of the Canal Street A train stop in New York.
Solution: end users should consider purchasing authentic software. Hahahahahahaha. Just kidding.



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