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GOP Demands Giant Border Wall to Combat Mexican Swine Flu

Posted April 28, 2009

As the hype around the swine flu reaches pandemic levels, the GOP has called for a giant fence - The Great Wall of Swine-a - to be constructed at the US-Mexican border. "Immigration reform is the only way to respond to this dangerous disease," said Representative John Boehner (R-neverneverland).

It was the GOP's Susan Collins (R-Lobstah) who first demanded that money for flu pandemics be removed from President Obama's stimulus package, which makes sense, because advanced preparation for global pandemics generally only benefits sick people, who don't spend nearly enough money unless you count an uptick in sales from Get Well cards and floral arrangements.

Flexing its intellectual muscles, the Republican Party arguments about swine flu center on keen scientific thinking. "The only way to defeat an airborne disease is a giant wall. At least like 800 feet high, so that the swine flu hits the ozone and freaks out," said former Congressman and erstwhile presidential hopeful Tom Tancredo (Tancredo is Spanish for "Toss 'em Cross the Border." Or "7-Layer Burrito", we aren't quite sure.)

The US media has also done its part to inform and educate the public, mostly by blowing things incredibly far out of proportion. "We didn't quite have it right with Y2K," said Fox's Roger Ailes, "but we really think we've hit the sweet spot of total panic mixed with heartwarming survival stories and bogus medical information. To get in the spirit of things, we've temporarily changed our company name to "FOX Flus."

In a rare bipartisan effort, the US Senate has attempted to slow down the hyping of this new pandemic, particularly by waiting to confirm the Secretary of Health and Human Services, the Deputy Secretary, and the head of the Food and Drug Administration. "We don't want to send a signal to the American public that we're rushing with their health," said Senator Harry Reid (D-Hard Rock Cafe Casino). "Especially with the threat of a global health epidemic."

 

 

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