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Anecdotal Health Care

Posted July 27, 2009

Good afternoon everyone, I'm Shirley, your office's new health care benefits liaison from Anectotal, the latest concept in group health. After a long search your company chose us, since we're all about containing costs, and we have pledged to tie our annual cost increases to no greater than the APR of the average credit card.

I'm sure that some of you heard that Anectotal was developed by the health care industry to put a fatal spike into the heart of a government-sponsored health care plan, but we would like to assure you that's pure conjecture. We formed this health care consortium at this critical time because we were inspired by that one video we saw on CNN when that heavy lady had a malignant tumor but she lived in Canada and it was like nine months to get the tumor removed only it was actually goiter.

Besides, who would take a government plan seriously? I mean, the post office can't even forward my mail, how are they supposed to get a kidney from one hospital to another?

Let me start with a brief primer on anecdote-based medicine. Our company's physicians, majority shareholders, and a few cable news personalities on our board have determined that statistically based medicine can't be all that hot, since there's a 100% chance that we're all going to die one day. and who wants to leave everything to chancy statistics?

A part of staying healthy and reaping all the benefits of Anectotal is a sound diet. Lots of things are bad for you, and others, not so much. Dietary principles follow common sense. I once knew somebody who had a heart attack after eating tuna fish and drinking a glass of milk. Or was on a Seinfeld? Either way don't do it.

Also avoid coffee, especially on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Other studies show that caffeine is actually good for you, and since those are generally published on Tuesdays and Thursdays, those can be your joe days.

Nutritional supplements can also help you stay healthy, and since they aren't regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, they can't be bad for you, right? Check with the clerk at the health food store for dosage amounts.

Exercise is also important, especially cardiovascular. Just try to avoid jogging, cycling and swimming. We have some friends who've gotten injured doing those.

Remember, before seeking treatment, you should make sure to call your great uncle Eugene and ask whether he's ever had the surgery or medical treatment in question. Chances are, he has, and he can give you a wealth of information on whether it made him better, worse, or made something else bad happen. We will also be checking with Eugene when we decide if the treatment is covered.

Again, I'd really like to thank you for signing up with Anectotal. You'll notice in the info packet that we don't have any contact information available. Just ask around, and you'll find us.



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