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Filed Under Business

CEO Gets 25 Years

Posted July 14, 2005

WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers was handed a twenty-five year sentence, an act that stunned financial analysts, economists, and the prosecution itself. Wall Street is shocked by the unfair treatment of businessmen, and calls for an end to occupational profiling in corporate scandals.

Attorney Carl Ashkenaz spoke for a somber group of executives, gathered around the Bull and Bear television to watch the sentencing. "When I was in law school [they] assured me that this could never happen. That's why it's corporate law. There are different standards. I haven't seen any ball players or pop stars get a sentence like this. Clearly businesspeople are discriminated against." Several of his cohort agreed. One young vice president, who withheld his name, explained that he was recently the victim of profiling: heíd been pulled over for driving erratically in a school zone after a three-martini lunch. "If I hadnít been in a red Miata, they never would have pulled me over.

"Filling up our jails with non-violent offenders like Bernie is no way to go. At this rate, with all the CEO's being arrested, weíll start building prisons instead of trading firms."

The prosecution is admittedly clueless, and their entire strategy was to 'lose with dignity'. "Wow, twenty-five years. On filing false papers. Wow. We suggested that as a joke. The jury must have been bigoted against businessmen."

Others agreed. "I pay my Alternative Minimum Tax just like the next guy. If people like Bernie donít get preferential treatment, I donít know why I bother," said Marty "Cold Call" Hernandez, a salesman who was enjoying the summer sun, smoking a 'Philly' and waiting to confirm some trades in Midtown. "You know one out of every eight hundred thousand businessmen over thirty is in jail? Twenty-five years. Like heís some kind of crackhead."

Ebbers plans to spend his time studying for his appeal, working out, and penning lyrics for the crunk album he hopes to record once he's back on the street. He vows to return home to his crib in Greenwich, Connecticut, and devote himself to teach all his brothers and sisters how to avoid his mistakes, to put away the power suits and avoid the temptation of the Street, and apply themselves to become respectable members of the community.

 

 

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