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LipoDiesel: Energy of the Future

Posted November 30, 2005

Researchers at U-MASS have announced a breakthrough for energy independence: a clean-burning, renewable energy form that is easily harvested. Called LipoDiesel, the substance uses the organic fat deposits suctioned away during liposuction. Normally this waste product is cast away as a biohazard, but researchers believe that this extra fatty tissue will heat American homes and power our cars as soon as next winter.

"LipoDiesel is a win-win, a slam dunk," announced Dr. Janet Whaley at a press conference held outside a Dunkin Donuts. "Americans will have the bodies they desire, and enjoy total energy independence," she shouted to a cheering crowd. In response to the announcement, Congress authorized a bill to subsidize mandatory liposuctions with funding from a new tax on gym memberships (D-tax).

Not all greeted the announcement with such enthusiasm. "Not only does it threaten to cut into our humungous profits," said Ezra Blount, a Shell Oil executive, "but it eliminates our ability to destroy habitat around the globe."

Oil drilling efforts around the US have been suspended, but fat exploration is ramping up quickly. Analysts note that citizens can expect to see drilling rigs over Wal-Mart in the near future.

Unlike fuel cells, very little infrastructure will be added to support the new Lipo-economy. When traveling, motorists will pull off the highway, same as always, but they may refuel at the fast food restaurant of their choice. McDonalds has pledged to drop all health foods off of their menu, and will replace plastic drinking straws with a hollow, cylindrical donut.

Liberal groups have pointed out that forced liposuction may be cruel, illegal, immoral, and unconstitutional, but their concerns were quickly dismissed by government and industry leaders.

"There is no such thing as 'mandatory liposuction'", said Merrill Kincaid, spokesman for the biotech company LipoGo. "What we're doing is providing fat relief."

Gilbert Meadows, Executive Director of SlimEarth, an environmental group dedicated to lowering total human biomass, was thrilled by the announcement. "When the rubber hits the road, you'll see that this is the ultimate energy supply. We're going from an obesity epidemic to an obesity solution." Asked if he was concerned about the increase in kidnappings among the obese, Mr. Meadows said no. "We don't do human rights," he answered. "Their office is down the hall."



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