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House Majority Leader Steps Down "To Spend More Time With My Attorneys"

Posted January 9, 2006

House Majority Leader and former bug exterminator Tom Delay will vacate his congressional leadership post to spend quality time with his legal counsel. "This move is about spending quality time with the people who will stay by your side, no matter what," says Mr. DeLay.

Mr. DeLay in a shovel-off with his attorneys.

"With all the hustle and bustle of the House," states the man from Sugarland, "I'd forgotten how nice it is to sit back and prepare a legal defense." Mr. DeLay keeps photos of his defense team at his desk, and calls them every day, talking to some multiple times. "But it's not enough." Once his role in House leadership is replaced, DeLay plans to coach the softball team of DeGuerin Dickson & Hennessy. "When we aren't busy filing motions," he adds.

Although he enjoys the busy schedule of Congress, the Hammer admits that it has come at a dear personal toll. He admits that he can remember the names of some members of his legal team.

"I wasn't around when Dick DeGuerin made partner," DeLay sighs, "and I won't let that happen again. "I swear that when DeGuerin mounts the most important defense of his career, I'll be in that room, watching like a proud father."

When asked if he'll miss his authority position, in which he asserted the total control over the congressional Republican rank and file like some downtown dominatrix, he shakes his head. "It's hard to be in charge of a group of people who might implicate you, or insist on slapping you with ethics violations. There's no love. That's not family."

The man who used to be responsible for the wholesale slaughter of harmless insects says that his move is not without a price. "I'll miss going to Scotland with lobbyists, and handing out sinecures to family members. But my attorneys say I can't do it, and if we're going to make this relationship work, I'll have to listen.

"On your deathbed, you're never gonna die wishin' you'd worked harder," says the formerly unbeatable Congressman. "You'll wish that you kicked the crap out of Ronnie Earle's conspiracy charges. Which I mean to do."



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