Filed Under Business
Slashing Jobs, Ford Renews Commitment to Making Crappy Cars
Posted September 18, 2006
For Immediate Release
Ford Motor company has a proud past, and we're ready to face off the challenges of the future. Although we're closing factories and slashing jobs like Freddy Kruger, we promise to continue producing crappy cars that nobody wants to buy. Investors applauded the move, and share price went up a penny for every ten thousand jobs cut.
Our engineering and design staff will continue to innovate to design the least desirable auto. Ford will begin leasing new technology from Toyota to upgrade production. Toyota has generously offered to provide technology from their 1970's factories, which will increase efficiencies and catapult us into the future.
To make room on the lots, Ford will discontinue our five most popular autos.
"Retro is very in right now," says new Ford CEO and President Alan Mulally, "which is why we're bringing back the Ford Pinto. It's a new look, but with the same explosive design." Mulally came recently from Boeing, where he perfected the art of sacking large numbers of employees
Because of our commitment to the environment, we're proud to introduce the Ford Everlast – the first car to be completely constructed from new Styrofoam. The sleek new design will require only two parking spaces!
Thinning out the workforce
In a move as innovative as Henry Ford's original assembly line, Ford's plan to convince people to buy American cars is fire American workers, which is why we're offering to buy out all 75,000 of our North American workforce. Are we outsourcing? No! The assembly line's in China, and we can't expect that our workers would want to commute that far.
You might ask who's going to build all these new cars? The answer: Robots. This isn't some science fiction story: robots have already taken on major aspects of our production chain. They've demanded thirty-two hour workweeks and six months vacation, but the Ford management team is ready to negotiate!
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard