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Filed Under Politics

Up In Smoke: The Year's Political Losers

Posted October 16, 2006

Honorable Mention: The guy running for Mark Foley's seat

We don't even know his name, but the Republican Party said yep, you have to do it. You have to run for Congress, but since it's too close to the election, you have to run under Mark Foley's name. What's that campaign like? I'm running for Congress and I'd sure appreciate your vote but I don't send scurrilous emails to sixteen-year-old boys but I'm running for Mark Foley's seat but since he resigned too close to the election I can't use my own name on the ballot so technically you have to vote for Mark Foley but you're actually voting for me, and you should vote for me so that you will continue to be represented by the same people who protected Mark Foley, who is not me, for five years.
Good luck, Mr. Not-Mark-Foley. We wish you the best.

Future Career: We believe that Mr. Not-Mark-Foley can rise to great heights, and that he'll redefine himself after this crushing defeat and start all over, able to come ahead out of nowhere because nobody knows who he is.

Katherine Harris
Reason For Downfall: terminal case of Foot-In-Mouth
Everybody remembers perky Katherine: as Florida's Secretary of State/Campaign Chair for Bush-Cheney 2000, she made up the rules that gave the election to GWB. Then she was elected to Congress, and everything was going her way, until she started running for the US Senate this year, and was struck with a case of Foot-In-Mouth disease. Memorable Quote: "If you're not electing Christians then in essence you are going to legislate sin. [...] then average citizens who are not Christians, because they don't know better, we are leading them astray and it's wrong." Apparently she misunderstood Florida politics, and thought that she'd be representing the Christian half of Florida, while the other Senator would represent the 'every other religion' half of the state. Although Representative Harris won the Republican primary, she is at least 9000 percentage points behind incumbent Senator Bill Nelson. Guess we'll be legislating sin in Florida for another six years.
Future Career: The Next Tammy Faye Bakker?

Tony Blair
Reason for Downfall: Supporting American Allies/Invading Iraq Under False Pretenses

You were Britain's John Lennon to Bill Clinton's Bob Dylan. Then the new Prez came in, and you lost your mind it became a sort of Batman and Robin dynamic. Or Gargamel/Azrael, you take your pick. You created Cool Britannia, and transformed it into the second most hated country on the planet. The bright side? Iraq is somebody else's problem now.

Future Career: Pundit, Spokesman for Virgin, Memoir writer.

William Jefferson
reason for downfall: taking bribes from the FBI

A special award goes to William Jefferson, who was busted by the Feds with 90 Grand in his freezer. Cash in the freezer isn't a crime. This is not warrantless-wiretapping, or prisoner abuse, or sex abuse, or influence peddling, or leaking classified information. This is the best scandal of 2006, but the Republican party had to hog the limelight. In breaking news this weekend, Jefferson lost his party's endorsement, but he's going to win his seat anyway. Good thing the US is constantly building new prisons maybe they'll construct a special 435-cell Big House for the House of Representatives.

Note: bribery isn't technically illegal in Louisiana, where Jefferson lives, so the Justice Department may have a hard time making their case.

Future Career: Reelected Congressman. You go William!

Emilie Boyles
Reason For Downfall: Proving that rich people are the only ones responsible enough to run for public office
While she ran for City Council in Portland, Oregon, Boyles used public campaign funds to pay her daughter $12,000 as a campaign intern, and much of the public monies were diverted for the purchase of bubblegum, Justin Timberlake albums, and Hello Kitty lunchboxes.

Maybe you haven't heard of Ms. Boyles, if you've been living under a rock, or you don't follow the intricacies of local politics in the Rose City. The local government said it was totally uncool to give her daughter all that green, and said she owes almost $92,000 to the public which leads us to the
BEST PART: She ran away. Ms. Boyles fled the state. She blew this taco stand, and she's at an undisclosed location, wind at her back, on the lam. If you get this, please get me the Vice President's autograph.

Emilie, let's face it: you didn't want to join City Council, you wanted to bond with your daughter. You wanted to up her allowance by like 16,000 percent. You could have saved yourself a lot of trouble with one shopping trip to Hot Topic.
Future Career: Cattle Rustler, Train Robber

Bob Ney
Reason For Downfall: Being the only guy who couldn't figure out how to separate himself from Jack Abramoff

Representative Bob Ney shows you some of the quirky things about the American legal system and the American political system. Neat! First off, he's in Congress, and even though he's been indicted under corruption charges, he gets to keep his seat, and run for reelection, because you're innocent until proven guilty. Also, the National Republican Party is so desperate for candidates that they'd rather run an incumbent who's under indictment and get him to resign after the election.

Yes, these are the same people who brought you Iraq. It's all a little clearer now.

Future Career: Riker's Island License Plate maker

 

 

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