all day coffee
weekly humor and satire - g. xavier robillard
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All Day Coffee tries to provide you, the readers, with sarcasm, irony, satire, and general merriment at the lightning pace of once a week. New stories appear every Monday.
Unless I'm tired.
Or on vacation.
Or washing my hair.
most recent drivel appears at
page top.
More is available here.
- Obama's Diplomatic Skills Threatened by Very Ugly Dog
description: Malia's allergies will be fine, because the Peruvian hairless is ugly enough to clear the room.
November 17, 2008
- Canada Completely Unprepared for Arrival of Angry Democrats
description: There are Coast Guard ships but not nearly enough to stop the Freedom Yachts that are ready to embark from Seattle
November 4, 2008
- Joe The Plumber to become Joe the Country Star?
description: Or Joe the Country Fish
October 31, 2008
- Conservatives Accidentally Bankroll Obama to Prove a Point About Online Donation Fraud
description: If you want to be anonymous do you have to call yourself Anonymous?
October 29, 2008
- Ralph Nader Wins Something!
description: but not a 5000 foot sandwich
October 28, 2008
- 6 Ways You Know Democrats Love Socialism
description: because Joe the Plumber might actually have to pay his back taxes
October 27, 2008
- Google CEO Searches Obama + Me + Cabinet Position
description: What will Search bring to America?
October 21, 2008
- The Presidential Candidates' Middle Names
description: I'm looking at you, John S. McCain
October 16, 2008
- Presidential Caveman Debates
description: Yet Another Debate Performance Response
September 29, 2008
- Understanding Freddie And Fannie: Bloated Mortgage Giants, or Just Misunderstood?
description: Answering the important question: which would win in a fight?
September 8, 2008
- Republicans Become the Party Party
description: The only risky activity the GOP refuses to condone is "heavy vetting"
September 4, 2008
- Batman Movie Sparks Real Crime Spree
description: We recommend if you're planning to see Batman multiple times, you should make sure a trusted neighbor is picking up your mail
July 29, 2008
- 6 Ways Airlines Could Make Some Serious Money
description: You will have the chance to get a signed photograph of your airline lobbyist in a lovely frame ($100).
July 14, 2008
- 7 Dangerous Technologies You Can Still Use While Driving Under California Cellphone Ban
description: Should you survive the accident, your ability to communicate will already be so hampered by texting that the paramedics who comes to your aid will determine you brain dead.
July 8, 2008
- Electrical Storms Disrupt Blogging
description: Blogger Determined to Understand Mystical Connection Between Electricity, Internet
June 30, 2008
- Obama Campaign Vets Summer Vacation Plans
description: Attempting to Avoid the Windsurfing Debacle of 2004
June 17, 2008
- Stop The Presses – Dick Cheney Apologizes!
description: Cheney's gaffe hits on a sensitive topic, as support for the Bush Administration's War on Incest has become critically low
June 4, 2008
- Osama Scolds Dunkin For Rachel Ray
description: Very few people even know that "queda" is Arabic for "jelly roll"
May 28, 2008
- Understanding Today's Pirates
description: Do all modern pirates dress like Keith Richards?
May 5, 2008
- Measuring Windows Vista’s Impact on the Superhero world
description: Breaking News On How a Bad OS can effect superhuman computing
April 20, 2008
- Sex Toy Industry Pays for Billions Spent on Unwed Mothers
description: New welfare programs include free day care and Cadillac trade-ins
April 18, 2008
- City Smackdown: Portland Versus Boston Rematch
description: Which one is better? It all comes down to whether you prefer volcanoes or redheads.
April 15, 2008
- Iraqi Army Replicates US, British Failures in Basra
description: Homegrown army's ability to lose portends US troop withdrawals.
April 7, 2008
- Stunned By Layoffs, Economists Declare Recession
description: Unemployed economists have issued a statement confirming that the US economy is absolutely, definitely, totally, in the toilet
March 25, 2008
- Vatican Discovers New Ways to Send You To Hell
description: New sins listed by Holy See include pollution, drug abuse, and tailgating
March 11, 2008
- I Also Have 35 Years Experience
description: I wanted a bold new, dry feeling, even if that caused me to sit bare assed on the changing table.
March 3, 2008
- All Day Coffee takes on the Plastic Bag Menace
description: Telling You everything you need to know about plastic bags
March 2, 2008
- Ask the Superhero Vol II: What is a Superdelegate
description: Democrats had a difficult time herding their delegates, for delegates are wily, and prone to blend into the upholstery
February 26, 2008
- Presidential Smackdown: Action Hero Debate
description: In addition to Chuck Norris endorsing Mike Huckabee, we’ve heard from Hulk Hogan (Barack Obama), Lucy Lawless (Hillary Clinton), and Sylvester Stallone (John McCain)
February 12, 2008
- The State Of My Cubicle
description: I have enjoyed my time here, or have at least remained alert.
January 29, 2008
- Baristas Claim Obama's Coffee Not Black Enough
description: Other Candidates Attack Weak Coffee Position
January 14, 2008
- Writers Strike Cripples Pornography Industry
description: We need fresh titles before people realize they've been watching the same thing over and over.
January 2, 2008
- New Years Greeting
description: Take Care Of Technology
January 2, 2008
- GOP unveils plans For Tantalizing New Slurs Against Senator Clinton
description: Plans include calling Hillary the C-word
December 10, 2007
- Writers Strike Complicated by Apostrophe Usage
description: The nation dangles like a participle
November 20, 2007
- Understanding Food Labels You Might Encounter At Whole Foods
description: As in a human co-op, any new members deemed unsatisfactory or weak are pecked to death.
November 8, 2007
- Announcing my Earbud Disability
description: Nobody should suffer their earbud falling out
November 4, 2007
- Utter Wonder Humor Reading Series
description: I'll be reading some pages of the funnies in Cambridge, MA
October 29, 2007
- Using Blackwater Contractors to Remodel my House was a Poor Idea
description: Instead of nail guns, they like to use gun guns, which is really rough on the sheet rock.
October 15, 2007
- Highlights from the SysAdmin’s Keychain
description: What do they have on the mass of metal attached to the fanny pack?
October 7, 2007
- Storyboarding Bin Laden
description: Al Qada hints at an upcoming Bin Laden video that is mysteriously stalled in pre-production
September 24, 2007
- Parents Relieved That Newborn Isn't Illegal Alien
description: The small infant looked American, but it would be hard to tell without extensive DNA testing.
September 17, 2007
- Dieting Book Proposal
description: This Ain't Southbeach, Sweet Cheeks
September 11, 2007
- California Promises a Car Seat for All Ages
description: Childhood no longer ends with college graduation
September 4, 2007
- Peanut Doping Scandal Rocks Little League Championship
description: Turns out, boogers had no effects on pitching ability
August 28, 2007
- Congressional Recall
description: Keep the Congress away from small children, as individual pieces have been found with screws loose that may constitute a choking hazard.
August 19, 2007
- Field Guide To Toddler Calls
description: A quick trip to the emergency room should clarify the nature of the problem
August 13, 2007
- Rolling Stone Profiles A Suburban Dad
description: To cope with wild nights, full of screaming and vomiting at all hours he developed a serious substance abuse problem with what he calls the Suburban speedball
August 7, 2007
- Help Wanted: Personal Assistant
description: You're detail-oriented, like remembering what mile maker of which freeway did I crash the car into the guardrail and abandon
July 30, 2007
- iPhone Battery Replacement Policy
description: How to replace the iPhone Battery, which will last a good deal longer than Uncle Irwin's electroshock therapy
July 23, 2007
- Tour The New White House Press Room
description: Enjoy our new smoke and mirrors
July 16, 2007
- Live Earth Raises Awareness, Ticket Prices
description: Global Warming Sells Unbelievable Amount of Merch
July 9, 2007
- Fireworks Recall FAQ
description: No refunds for safe fireworks
July 4, 2007
- What Not To Mix With Sunscreen
description: Dangerous Sunscreen Mixers
June 18, 2007
- Bacteria Lobby For Extension of Five Second Rule
description: Scum receive help from lobbyists
June 12, 2007
- Getting Into Credit Card Debt
description: A Debtful Life Could Be Yours
June 4, 2007
- Protesting High Gas Prices
description: What Would Lincoln Drive? Oh wait that's obvious
May 29, 2007
- DIY Resignation Letter
description: A form letter to let people know why you've left.
May 21, 2007
- Drugs Stage Intervention for Pete Doherty
description: The drugs are concerned with the direction Doherty's life has been taking
May 14, 2007
- Homeland Security's Are You Safe To Fly? Terrorist Fun Quiz
description: Eyes on your own paper!
May 7, 2007
- How Aging Rockers Stay Alive
description: It's not just snorting their ancestors
May 1, 2007
- Five Ways To Save the Earth (and take advantage of hot savings)
description: Earth Day Wishes from Industry
April 22, 2007
- President Bush Threatens Sanctions On Congressional Democrats
description: Democrats would be deprived of salaries, health insurance, food aid, the Sunday New York Times, and National Public Radio interviews
April 19, 2007
- City Smackdown: Boston Vs. Portland
description: Hot Postal Workers or Sarcasm? You be the judge
April 2, 2007
- Leading Democratic Candidates As Liberal As Jesus
description: "These politicians are so close to Christ they're way out of the mainstream."
March 26, 2007
- Eat Your Vegetables – A Government Conspiracy
description: Only 57,000 ketchup packets til you hit your quota
March 19, 2007
- Five Deadly Household Items (that will kill you sooner or later)
description: You'd be better off drinking gasoline from a lead canteen.
March 11, 2007
- Terrorists Cannot Decide on 2008 Presidential Candidate
description: The primary season has just begun, but none of the candidates have distinguished themselves as the type to ignite worldwide jihad.
February 26, 2007
- A Review of the New CAFE Standards
description: Does Herbie pay 3 bucks a gallon?
February 24, 2007
- President's Day eCards, Volume II
description: Is Washington Your First Love?
February 20, 2007
- Bloggers Root Out Liberal Crossword Editor
description: Next, the classifieds.
February 15, 2007
- Secrets of the Senate Revealed
description:
February 12, 2007
- FAQ On The Global Warming Hoax
description: The War on Climate Change is no more likely to succeed than the War on Legwarmers
February 5, 2007
- Five Instruments Not Invited Back to Rock and Roll
description: It's perfect for polka, but is it right for rock?
January 29, 2007
- Health Insurance Coverage Generator
description: Tell us your symptoms, and we'll explain your coverage.
January 22, 2007
- My Stroller Is Better Than Yours
description: An Infant Point-counterpoint
January 15, 2007
- Lindsay Lohan's Doctor Removes Appendix, Stomach
description: Lohan looks forward to a future in which she doesn't have to worry about drinking on an empty stomach.
January 8, 2007
- Top Five Wars of 2006
description: There were both arthouse surprises and old standbys in the past year's bloody conflicts
December 29, 2006
- Sony Sues Santa
description: Sony Corporation has announced plans for a suit against Santa Claus, for illegally shipping the Playstation 3
December 26, 2006
- Axis of Evil to Divorce
description: Breaking up is hard to do.
December 22, 2006
- Taco Bell – E. coli Healthiest Item on Menu
description: The most likely cause of illness after eating Taco Bell is having eaten at Taco Bell
December 11, 2006
- Iraq Study Group Caught Cheating
description:
December 4, 2006
- Fun Search Strings that Brought People to All Day Coffee
description: An exercise in server logs
December 1, 2006
- What To Call The Iraq Civil War
description: Ways to Get Around Saying 'Multi-ethnic/Tribal/Religious/Sectarian Violence' In Iraq
November 28, 2006
- Colombia Celebrates 42 Years of Civil War
description: An interview with the Rolling Stones of continuous conflict
November 20, 2006
- Rules For Preschool
description: The Dusseldorf School Focuses On Creational Play
November 14, 2006
- Democratic Congressman Wins Foot In Mouth Contest
description: Votes haven't been counted but insults start
November 11, 2006
- Five Best Ways to Vote
description: I can't figure out how to win this stupid touchscreen voting game.
November 6, 2006
- Garrison Keillor and The Serial Killers of Youth
description: In the Minnesota where I grew up people didn't brag about bodies in the basement.
October 31, 2006
- Letter To Potential Voters
description: I'm writing this from a Mexican jail cell
October 24, 2006
- Up In Smoke: The Year's Political Losers
description: You mean keeping cash in your freezer's illegal
October 16, 2006
- Korean Nuclear Missile To Crush Godzilla, Capitalism
description: In celebration workers will be rewarded with shortened, 99-hour work week
October 10, 2006
- Five Worst Superpowers
description: Too bad shield-throwing isn't an Olympic sport
October 3, 2006
- Electronic Voting Machines Accidentally Allow Choice
description: Free will will rock the U.S. election system
September 25, 2006
- Bin Laden Killed By Spinach
description: A victory for leafy greens
September 23, 2006
- Slashing Jobs, Ford Renews Commitment to Making Crappy Cars
description: Ford will use innovative, old technology to continue to be the leader in cars nobody wants
September 18, 2006
- Denial Of Claim
description: We hope to explain your coverage, and suggest how you might keep costs down in the future.
September 11, 2006
- Introducing the Inflatable Democrat
description: 'Polls say he's the life of the Party'
August 28, 2006
- Male Aphrodisiacs
description: Who needs black rhino horn powder when you have these household items?
August 25, 2006
- Pluto Election Stolen!
description: Plutocrats rig election - still a planet
August 21, 2006
- International Laundry Symbols
description: What those Common Home Laundering & Drycleaning Symbols really mean
August 18, 2006
- Saddam: a fan letter to Mel Gibson
description: seriously drop the beard.
August 13, 2006
- Landis Drug Test Proves French Hate American Cyclists
description: We always have problems like that – nanotechnology escaping from the lab. We should do a better job reporting it
August 7, 2006
- Ask The Superhero
description: Captain Freedom Answers Lifes Puzzling Questions
July 31, 2006
- How To Protect Your Country Club During Hurricane Season
description: A FEMA Guide
July 24, 2006
- Totally Hot Chick at Town Beach Not Linked To Global Warming
description: No explanation given for straying beauties
July 19, 2006
- World Cup Soccer Rules
description: An explanation of the beautiful game
July 2, 2006
- American Flag Needs Protection
description: Burning the flag can jeopardize homes, pants.
June 27, 2006
- Biofuels Report Card
description: Which grass scores best?
June 19, 2006
- Five Greatest Flags of All Time
description: An All Day Coffee Geography Lesson
June 13, 2006
- A Survey Of the Less Popular Computer Keys
description: Happy Keyboard Appreciation Month!
June 6, 2006
- Oregon Invites National Guard to California Border
description: Western State Proposes Full Ban on Californians, Shakespeare.
May 30, 2006
- Chinese Officials Accidentally Censor Communism
description: People celebrate free press, free speech, and free cell phone minutes. Google slinks away in shame.
May 23, 2006
- We Would Like To Preboard...
description: ...anyone who needs extra time adjusting to the unsettling 1970's decor
May 12, 2006
- American Drivers Discover Extra Seats in Cars
description: Rear seats in cars have potential to transport additional passengers to shared destinations
May 8, 2006
- White House Reshuffles Office Of Office Supplies
description: Critical Opportunity to Change Paper Distributor
April 30, 2006
- Paul McCartney Accidentally Clubbed by Seal Hunter
description: Seals releaved that British pop stars are considered viable food source.
April 24, 2006
- House Immigration Bill Expels Irish, Jews, Portuguese, Finns, Italians, Germans, Others
description: Sweeping Immigration Reform Comes as A Surprise to A Majority of Americans Who Find Themselves Without A Country.
April 19, 2006
- Special Alert: Iraq Never Promised US a Rose Garden
description: A special report looks into the intelligence failures that led to a flowerless war
April 9, 2006
- Media Still to Blame For Iraq War Difficulties
description: Analysis on the Problems of War
April 4, 2006
- Government Marks War Anniversary With Free iPods
description: Winning the hearts and minds of the American people
March 20, 2006
- Halitosis: A Class Action Suit
description: Don't suffer from mouth funk alone (not literally, of course. Please stay away)
March 13, 2006
- Climbing Team Summits K2 Without Sponsorship
description: An unusual accomplishment to achieve the world's second tallest mountain
March 7, 2006
- Peak Oil: Somebody Else's Problem
description: Questions and Answers About Another Global Issue You'll Successfully Avoid
February 27, 2006
- President's Day eCards - Vol I
description:
February 15, 2006
- Vice President 'Accidentally' Shoots Hunting 'Buddy'
description: Cheney hunt casualty count reaches all time low